My Spam Que

Today when I was reviewing my spam que, I noticed a strange thing. My writing had been incorrectly cited by another blog. Not only did they fail to correctly identify my site as a source, but they stated that what was quoted was posted several decades ago. I’ve come to find as a newbie in the blogosphere that this is a frequent occurence that fools me into thinking someone is appreciating what I have to say.

I looked into the “Powered By” section at the bottom of the site that will be referred to as nameless. WordPress MU was the name and is a service that people seem to be using to create vast webs of spam. It would be nice if WordPress had a button at the bottom of a persons page where you could flag spam. But I digress. I’ll go on to share with you nameless’ post complete with impossibly dated citation and my comment.

Newsupdate wrote an interesting post today on
Here’s a quick excerpt; “He, as well as millions of other people, are not casting their vote the way of the Clintons (yes, Clintons plural) because of her voting record. Mr. Moore held fast in the face of a question from a viewer who asked if he still insists …

 

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 31st, 1969 at 6:00 pm and is filed under 368. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

 

My Comment:

The name of my website is not Newsupdate, it is permacarn. Please cite appropriately. And how is it possible for you to have posted the entry at 6:00pm on New Years Eve of 1969? You’re too shady, I’m going to have to delete your comment from my spam que. But if you’re listening I respectfully hope you got a laugh out of this and will continue to appreciate my writing and esteemed sense of humor. Check out my sight, you just might like it. I have all kinds of lists of interesting things that include my fun ramblings. I make fun of politicians, I write about scandalous shennanigans and there is very little advertising which makes it an easy read. I’ve only submitted about 10 posts and I’ve already had over 100 people look at my blog. I should know that there are people out there trying to make a buck to pay their bills by using their slick interweb computer skills that will skew my statistical results, so it’s harder to tell just how many people truly visit my site. I too hope to one day pay some bills with online tricks of the legitimate persuasion. If that’s what you’re up to, rock on.

 

Sincerely,

The writer of permacarn

 

 

 

 

 

Wooden Computers

There are all kinds of ways to go green these days and with the advent of energy efficient monitors, power supplies, and energy star rated PC’s, computer lovers are able to heed Al Gore’s warnings of global
warming and the ruthless bloodlust of the Manbearpig. OK, you won’t be able to thwart a Manbearpig attack, but the options that are now available in the fast paced world of computers provide innovative ways
to create a smaller carbon footprint.

 

One way to reduce environmental impact would be to build a computer with sustainable resources.

 

Eureka! There are all kind of modders out there filling this niche and seamlessly integrating technology with nature to mesh in ways reminiscent of Frank Lloyd Wright’s architecture. While there is a slight risk of fire due to the fact that its made of wood that is known to show poor fire resistant properties, they’re up to code. Making sure you’ve got the proper ventilation and power supply will significantly reduce the chances of your PC emitting the scent of hickory smoke (mmmm, bacon).

The perfect high tech gift for grandmothers everywhere would look just like the old antique furniture she’s got collecting dust all over the place (she’d have that PC smellin’ like moth balls in no time). And thats exactly what some people have done to their computers. Its ironic that while the hardware and software industries are making huge leaps forward, the cases some people are putting their components in are taking a giant technological leap backwards. But all the better.

You can also get wooden mice, keyboards, and a even wooden laptop with components made of wood and sustainable corn based bioplastics. Accessorize with a battery charging solar laptop bag and you’ll be one hardcore green mofo.

 

Things That Suck

The Hurricane 600 uses cyclonic separation, has a fuel tank with a capacity of 100 gallons, has an 11.5” clutch, and utilizes a 6 cylinder 170 horsepower John Deere turbo-charged diesel engine to achieve maximum suckage. It’s skid mounted for ease of travel, has a 16” manhole on the baghouse for ease of entry (should you need it) and the crane can lift to 11’ for discharging its contents. The hose sucks at an astonishing 120 PSI for all those hard to suck items.

 

 

 

With fewer specs provided by Durovac’s website it’s harder to get an idea of what this machine is capable of. But with the information only a phone call away and knowing that they can provide systems designed up to 500 horsepower, you can be sure that if you need something sucked in your facility they’ll be able to design the system right for you. If at 50 HP their vacuums are able to convey 6 tons per hour, with 500 HP you’ll probably be able to suck in the neighborhood of 60 tons per hour (what the hell are you sucking?).

 

The UltraVac ECV 5015 Industrial Vacuum Loader (not pictured, but looks a splittin’ image) is a sweet mobile unit that travels courtesy of a three axel truck chassis. With a transfer case rated to 550 HP and a host of other features like 19.5 cubic yards of capacity, an air cannon capable of delivering continuous filter cleaning, a top inlet with a 270 degree boom (I want a boom!), and two high efficiency cyclone separators mounted in parallel, you’ll be able to take your high power, high-efficiency suck on the road.

 

 

 

Vac Con endorses their Combination Machine Series as packing a punch in their delivery of some sucking machines. Their systems come with an Inspector Cam video system so you can watch what how you suck, but they also feature Hi-Dump capability. A friend once said “Any man can piss on the floor. Be a hero and shit on the ceiling.” This Hi-Dump capability may be what you need to become that hero.

 

The Super Vac SVU-50 uses positive pressure ventilation (PPV) to achieve a vacuum in large buildings with massive amounts of air volume. Firefighters across the country use PPV in their truly heroic efforts to save lives and minimize property damage by waging war against fire with weapons such as the SVU-50. It lifts hydraulically and is operated with a hand held remote that controls throttle, elevation, tilt, and rotation. This baby’s powered by a minimum 160 HP multi-port fuel injected engine, has a two hour run time, and a 48 inch diameter six blade carbon fiber propeller. It doesn’t suck… it blows! Hard!

 

From the people who brought you the SVU-50, here comes the BFF-502. Super Vac has combined the beauty and romance of car engines with the elegance of fans to make mobile high volume air displacement via positive pressure ventilation a work of art that blows. The SVU’s BFF has a gigantic 8 blade carbon fiber prop powered by a Chevy 502 engine that produces over 750,000 cubic feet per minute of fresh air.

 

 

 

 

The Russians say they’ve created the “Father Of All Bombs” by making one supposedly four times stronger than the US built Massive Ordinance Air Blast Bomb otherwise known as the Mother Of All Bombs. The US Department of Defense released a statement saying that not only were they suspicious of Russia’s claim of such a weapon, but that they were working on a knew higher power bomb referred to in Pentagon documents as the Mother Fucker Of All Bombs. The two stage bomb delivered by a Russian Tupolev Tu-160 strategic bomber first covers a swath of area with a cloud of explosive material and is ignited by a second charge thus creating an ultrasonic shock wave, incredibly high temperatures, and a partial vacuum that compounds damage and is allegedly the equivalent to a 44 ton TNT blast.        

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Michael Moore on Larry King

Wearing one of his signature ball caps, (this one with a Java Joe’s Cafe logo) Michael Moore gave a somewhat revealing interview on CNN’s Larry King, though most people familiar with the movie director and his views would have been able to anticipate what was to be said and what topics would be discussed. Nonetheless, whether you love him or hate him you’d be hardpressed not to find something to talk about after watching.

The first topic that Larry King asked about involved Mr. Moore’s recent endorsement of Barack Obama and why it is that he chose to endorse the candidate who’s taken some significant contributions from the health care industry, as opposed to endorsing a candidate with whom he expressed a forbidden desire for in one of his book’s chapter titles (but who has also taken some substantial contributions from the health care industry). He basically expressed a high level of disappointment with her since she voted for the war from the get go. He, as well as millions of other people, are choosing not to cast their vote the way of the Clintons (yes, Clintons plural) in part because of her voting record and in part to her antics of late. Mr. Moore held fast in the face of a question from a viewer who asked if he still insists on Senator Clinton apologizing for her vote authorizing the war despite the shaky evidence that was provided to senators in the early stages of the pre-emptive invasion. The viewer, and Mr. Moore, failed to include the fact that Senator Clinton opted not to read the evidence herself, but his reasoning was sound. A little over 30%, or 100 million people, in the build up to war were opposed (including Obama) to going. She did not exercise the judgment to vote against something so damaging, and as a result is paying for it politically and will continue to pay for it politically.

With Mr. Moore’s release of Sicko, which arguably breathed new life into the health care debate in American politics, a discussion of the industry and the candidates was inevitable. He expressed disappointment with both candidates in the Democratic party as neither, in his mind, would do much to address the real issue of giving the insurance companies too much decision making power in the process. But comparatively, Senator McCain’s plan which was recently announced was enought to bring Michael Moore to laughter. McCain’s plan is market based and would indirectly make health insurance less affordable for millions of people (as if there aren’t enough). Under his plan, Moore says, people would have the option of dropping their employer’s insurance plan and pick up the tab themselves. As an enticement the government would throw a tax deduction of $5,000 their way. But Mr. Moore brought up a good point. The average person paying for health insurance outside of the assistance of an employer is paying around $12,000. With the tax deduction under McCain’s plan, the average person would be paying aroudn $7,000; a little bit more than what alot of people already pay a year with their employers assistance. Laughable, indeed.

He didn’t stop there in his critique of John McCain. His most recent attempt to pander to the American people with a “gas tax holiday” is seen through Michael Moore’s eyes as a gimmick (one that Hillary Clinton is proud to call her own). Instead of speaking about how little an impact it would have on the people and the economy, Mr. Moore used the opportunity to address some more pressing matters, like the most recent voluntary rice regulations some large retailers are imposing on their customers in the US. This, he states, is an event which will be remembered as a turning point in our lives in terms where some of the biggest changes in the effects of fuel expenses, oil dependence and an unwilling American industry reluctant to convert to alternative fuels or high efficiency automobiles. Detroit and the auto industry no doubt have the ability to manufacture cars that can get rediculously high milage. But the important thing to remember, in Mr. Moore’s eyes as well as many other people’s, is that more than just gasoline and deisel is extracted from a barrell of oil. Fertilizers and plastics, two things that our country is dependent on, are already experiencing significant price increases and with the earths supplies dwindling to “less than eight years worth,” a figure Michael Moore used perhaps not loosely enough, prices are sure to maintain their current upward trends.

Larry King also asked about Michael Moore’s next documentary film release. The movie called We Were This Close, tells the story of the 2004 presidential election. Larry King didn’t allow for many plugs like he did with Janet Jackson, but we did learn that Michael Moore hopes to release the film in time to coincide with the Democratic National Convention when the Democratic presidential candidate is announced. This, he hopes, will serve to remind people of what is needed in order to change the face of politics at a time when Democrats may still be feeling the sting of a tough Democratic Primary race. But nothing, he says, will compare to the sting that 4 more years of Bush policies in the guise of a McCain administration would deliver.

Some other things we learned in the interview;

• Michael Moore owns a gun (the one he got for free for opening a bank account in Bowling for Columbine) and he feels guilty for owning it. He expressed a desire to auction it off and donate the proceeds to a charitable organization, so keep your eye out for a Michael Moore charity auction all you NRA folks!
• The first things he would do as president- 1) End the war. 2) Get government back in the hands of the people and out of the hands of corporations, and 3) Give every American free HBO. The quality of their programming is of such high quality that he feels it should be provided to all citizens free of charge. Apparently PBS is less entertaining than HBO (who knew?).  

Why To Hate The Dentist

Dentists are like mechanics. A good honest mechanic or dentist who has your best interest in mind is hard to find. After they sit you down and tell you what’s wrong, how they’ll fix it, and most importantly, how much it’s going to cost, you can be left questioning whether what they said was really what you need, or some costly thing they added to your bill so that they can make their next month’s mortgage. Other than that, here are some other reasons I’ve found dentists worthy patrons of my hatred.

Your Dentist is Poisoning You! Did you know Fluoride is a poison? And that it’s considered toxic waste? It’s worse than lead! That’s a fact, and your dentist is all too happy to put this chemical in your mouth in the form of a strawberry, grape, cherry, or cotton candy flavored foam that makes it difficult not to want to swallow. But heed the warnings of the dental assistant that asks you so nicely not to swallow. Your body only has the ability to disgard half of the Fluoride you ingest and the rest is absorbed into your bones and teeth. The stuff we love to have in our water may have some lasting affects.

Your Dentist is a Sadist For years my childhood dentist would strap to my face this uncomfortable plastic facemask which made it nearly impossible for me to breathe, swallow, and forced my mouth open for long periods of time. It wasn’t until I went to a general practice dentist on my own dollar that I realized these were mostly optional and usually reserved for dental surgeries like root canals, etc. I asked why they didn’t use the mask and told them that one was placed on my face every time I had a cavity. They looked at me in shock. “If you really want to wear one we can put one on for you?” It was then I realized something was wrong with my childhood dentist and that when my brother expressed his belief that he was a sadist (just like Orin Scrivello), intent on abusing children legally and for profit, he was partially correct.

I Bet They Think They’re Hilarious Seriously, if my dentist came in wearing one of these masks I’d likely punch him in the face. But that’s a minor infraction when it comes to dental humor. Ever go in to your dentist and have them come in to your consult with a grim face and say “We need to do two extractions, a root canal, and five fillings… just kidding! You only need the five fillings!” Seriously, you got a license to practice dentistry, not the telling of bad jokes. And why do they always want to talk to you when they’re working on your teeth? “So what do you think about that whole Iraq thing?” Anymore, I just start rambling on nonsense. If they want me to speak my opinions incoherently, I just let them have it. I usually include plenty of cuss words. While they may not be able to understand a lot of what I’m saying, profanity is usually easily recognized even when your mouth is open and you don’t have full use of your lips.

X-Rays These things killed Thomas Edison, and all you give me when I sit in a chair with that thing pointed at my face is a silly vest? Umm, what about my brain? And my junk?

They give you a lead vest and zap you with electromagnetic radiation. Meanwhile they push a button from behind a reinforced wall. No doubt these walls are for the safety of the folks that push the button all day, but they get a wall and I get this threadbare vest?

Scary Tools The dentist has all kinds of gadgets at his disposal that at first appearance and second glance will make most people cringe. Even the most mundane item like the little suction device they use has a strangely ominous appearance.

Most people will go their whole lives without seeing what dentists use to get the novocaine in your gums. Incidentally, if you’ve ever been numbed at dentist chances are they used lidocaine. But there’s a reason they’re so reluctant to show you. It looks more like a pogo stick than an injection device.

 Now I know why they numb me before they use it. And why the dentist so forcefully wiggles my cheek when they sticks the needle in. Why does it have to look so intimidating. Has modern hydrocarbon technology used in the hospital industry not brought dentistry along for the ride into the 21st century?

 

They also give their tools scary names like the cryer tool.

No, not that tool. That tool is John Cryer.

This is a cryer tool. As opposed to looking like Jerry Lewis, the tool dentists use looks more like a hooked scalpel. Other scary tools include the bone ronguer, backhouse clip, bulldog clamp, various mouth gags, and the matrix squivalent. For a complete list with images of some scary dental tools go here.

Braces I never had braces. Maybe that’s why I’m so scared when I see people wearing them. Especially adults. There’s something pubescent and macabre about people in braces. Especially when they go for the colored inserts. The fact that a person’s braces are neon green does not make them any cooler or less offensive. I’m still waiting for the day when some brilliant dentist incorporates grills into the braces market. Now that I think about it, I’m gonna go post that on halfbakery!

Hopefully, with the advent of invisalign, more people will opt to get their teeth straightened in a way that doesn’t offend other people’s vision.

 

 

 

 

Cut ’em Some Slack I guess it may be best to ease up on dentists since their rates of suicide are 6.4% greater than the rest of the working age population. Now that I think about it, you’d have to pay me vast sums of money before I would go probing around most people’s mouths.

When all is said and done, I’m more than happy to sit in the dentists chair to go through some painful procedure while all I have to look at is the waterstained ceiling tile of my dentists office. I’ll even pay lots of money for something I’m not really certain I need or want. As long as I don’t look like these guys.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Converting Your Car To LPG (Liquid Propane Gas)

With the price of gas these days, it’s hard not to feel like you’re getting violated every time you pay at the pump. And the cost of a hybrid vehicle can make you feel like some of your options are out of reach. But there is a way for people of normal persuasion to help the environment and save a little money at the same time. The answer to the question you’re all asking, “what is it?”, is liquid propane gas (LPG). Who knew strapping a propane tank to the trunk of your car could be so cool. Hank Hill would be having a conniption!

 

I can’t find anywhere, in my area at least, that provides the service of converting. Apparently this is already big business over in the UK as there are all sorts of British companies and institutions who use it. They even have over 1000 LPG pumping stations built into their infrastructure.

 

The Benefits: Emissions are less harmful, it’s less expensive, and LPG burns cleaner causing less harm and wear to your engines internal combustion components. There’s a website in Britain that will calculate how much money you can save by making the switch to LPG. Considering the pound is valued more than the dollar I thought the savings may be substantial… and I was right. My savings of 944 pounds converts to $1,870.00 driving a 1995 Toyota Camry with 136,000 miles an average of 10,000 miles annually. I had to hack a London restaurant phone number (courtesy of UK Yellow Pages) and post code (courtesy of Wikipedia)into the information section to get an output on cost of conversion, and I came back with a cost of 1915 pounds, or $3,795 dollars (using Google converter). But they also provided a cost analysis (brilliant Brits)which told me that my 4 year return on investment would be about 50% (in pounds and dollars), and that over that same 4 year period I would save 3,779 pounds or $7,490. I would also be helping the environment by reducing my carbon output by 1.56 tonnes which in the states is 1.72 tons, and I normally emit 6.6 tonnes, or 7.3 US tons by using a Co2 emissions calculator. Thats about a 24% reduction in emissions if my math is correct, but I’m a psych major, so I might be wrong.

 

You can also claim a deduction on your taxes for the cost of conversion, so it’s pretty much paid for. We have to take into consideration the fact that the Brits buy their fuel by the liter, or litres as they say on the island, and pay more for it. Since we pay less for more gas, this may throw a wrench (or turd in the punchbowl, stick in the spokes) in the huge savings I encountered.

 

You can purchase the components from a couple different companies, here and here.  If you’re handy with a wrench, or know someone who tweaks on cars, you can no doubt do what 9,000,000 other people in the world do and run your car on LPG.

 

This guy has a site with instructions on how to convert an Imperial, but there are no doubt websites with instructions on how to do it for your car and as he says, anyone whose got a reasonable degree of mechanical ability can make it happen.

 

     

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Honda Is In The Business Of Symphony Conducting

Honda’s Asimo robot (seen here in “gay flirt” mode) is set to conduct the Detroit Symphony Orchestra on May 13th. What an impressive robot, right? The company lists its abilities as being able to walk forward and backward, climb up and down stairs, and can run up to 4 miles an hour. I guess the pre-requisites for conducting a symphony aren’t as complicated as I thought, seeing as I can walk sideways, I can run up and down stairs, and I can walk 4 miles an hour.  

Honda released a statement saying that it’s merely providing consumers with an alternative that is more reliable and efficient than what the market currently has to offer. Domestic conductors collectively shuddered and are preparing for hard times analogous to the current domestic vs. Asian car market.

Former Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul took it upon himself to level the playing field by learning to conduct himself. Ahem, I mean learning to also conduct. He feels that not only do cheap imports of toys and food from Asia pose a risk to American’s health, importing conductors will compromise the US’s ability to compete in a market that relies on guys’ abilities to wave their hands around passionately.

As an aside, when was the last time you watched a symphony where the people playing the instruments were actually paying attention to whatever the hell the conductor was doing? I’m sure if the robot had an emotion chip it would feel just as neglected as the human conductors probably do afterwards. And it will probably take all the credit for creating such beautiful music by bowing and accepting roses just like humans.

Pennsylvania In Review

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hillary Clinton won the Pennsylvania primary by double digits. This confused second graders everywhere as the margin was 9.4% and when rounding to the nearest whole number you get 9%. I took the liberty of emailing the campaign a tutorial on how to round numbers and I hope they realize their mistake. Unless of course they purposely manipulate the information they disseminate without regard to standards and regulations. Like how Hillary says she has won more votes even though the votes from MI and FL she’s counting are votes she agreed not to count when the two states broke the rules and had their primary’s early and she refuses to acknowledge that her opponent wasn’t even on the ballot in MI. Or how she came under sniper fire in Bosnia.

She’s also making a big fuss about how Obama won’t debate her in NC. Seriously, if she were winning this thing she’d refuse too. People are tired of debates and frankly would like this thing to be over with. The people who are so adamant about her going on either have something to gain by her being the next Democratic nominee/president like a cabinet seat or an election (in the case of Republicans). If you think the dirt that the right is bringing up on Obama is bad, you should see what they’d be able to bring up on the Clintons. Take a peak here.

 

Bill was up to his same old shennanigans.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  Obama wasn’t bothered too much as he’s setting up a joint fund raising committee with the Democratic National Committee. Do we know something Hillary doesn’t? Like how it’s impossible for her to get the nomination unless Obama says something like he hates white people or the DNC decides to use Clinton logic to determine who the next Democratic candidate for president is?

 

 It remains to be seen whether Hillary Clinton thanks Rush Limbaugh for his part in keeping her presidential dreams alive, as nearly 15% of people voting in PA said they wouldn’t vote for her in November, a result of his “operation chaos” in which Republicans vote for her in the primary’s because they know, as well as any other person with half a brain knows,  that Obama has the best chance of winning.

 

Because if we get Hillary in the Whitehouse, this is what we’d get. The man behind the woman behind the man.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

Meanwhile, John McCain visited the “forgotten places,” which in Republican speak means anywhere African-Americans live. He voiced his displeasure with how Katrina was handled by Bush and said “never again” about 80 times even though his voting record on efforts to aid those affected by Katrina show he had no interest in it whatsoever and that he actively sought and accepted Bush’s endorsement.

Massage Pants

These are massage pants from the Wenzhou Wonderful Massage Equipment Company. What do they do for you? Well I’ll tell you, by copy/pasting the product features.

Product Features: * Built-7 group of super vibration massage, a scientific and rational allocation * Ring far infrared heaters, automatic temperature control, safe and reliable *A variety of massage * Automatic mode * Automatic regularly work 20 minutes * High-performance rechargeable batteries for exclusive use, energy, security

You know, looking at them I could tell they had a scientific and rational allocation of vibration massage. And that makes me really want some. Just a heads up though, I don’t think these are technically pants. Because pants are usually longer. These look more like shorts. Shorts that are missing some fabric in the front. You know, so your balls hang out. Wow, these are even awesomer than I first thought. Unfortunately there’s a 500 pair minimum order. Anybody want to go halvsies?

This post was copy and pasted directly from Geekloogie.com.

Top Ten Best (And Worst) Soda Ideas

Whether you call it soda, pop, or coke, this refreshing liquid candy is a staple in the American diet. This list is in honor of some of the best and worst ideas regarding the infamous bottled beverage.

1. Coca-Cola  This gets the number one spot since John Pemberton, the inventor, was arguably the first to include stimulants of “medicinal” quality. They still use a coca leaf extract to this day (I wonder, does it really change the flavor that much that they still find the need to include it), but its nothing compared to the nine milligrams a bottle they used to use! When you consider that at the time Coca-Cola still had cocaine infused in it back in the day, they were usually drinking about three glasses at a time. Thats the same amount the average coke-head snorts a day by today’s standards! No wonder people lined up to drink the stuff.  It relieves exhaustion… and numbs your face!

 

 

 

 2. Bottled Water OK, so it’s not a soda. But the fact that they’re bottled by soda manufacturers is enough for me to include it. Started in the 70’s by Perrier, this product falls under the category of worst since you can get the same stuff for free from wherever you’re buying the bottled stuff. It’s a waste of plastic, the plastic bottles leach dangerous chemicals into what you drink, and the production and consumption requires the use of 17 million barrels of oil a year (as of 2006)! 

 

 

 

3. Crystal Pepsi “You’ve never seen a taste like this” was the slogan that went along with this drink. With a slogan like that the guys in Pepsi’s marketing department must have had some experience with psychedelics. Either that or they were trying to market to people who were. Some other possible hallucinogen inspired slogans for their products “I can feel the blue, man” or “Can you hear the strawberry?” And I have to mention the SNL parody, Crystal Gravy. “Finally, you can see your meat!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4. New Coke Whether it was a completely miserable analysis of market research or a conspiracy to cover up the switch from cane sugar to high fructose corn syrup, Coca-Cola’s campaign to change the taste of Coke pissed off all kinds of people. But the mistake (if thats what you want to call it) effectively brought Coca-Cola back to the lead spot in the cola wars.

 

 

 

 

 

5. Energy Drinks Fuck, yeah! The people behind energy drinks took John Pemberton’s idea of adding stimulants to fizzy drinks to a whole new level. Now you can drink some adderall from a can and twitch incessantly so you can finish that term paper or get the world’s record for most consecutive hours playing World of Warcraft. Celebrities seem to love creating these things and bars across America are making some sweet alcoholic beverages combining an upper and a downer. You no longer have to steal your kid’s ritalin and drink vodka to enjoy the heart wrenching/stopping effects of stimulants and depressants. My personal favorite is Bawls, especially since it comes in a blue can (get it… blue Bawls, huhuh). Put some Bawls in your mouth!

6. AdeS Definitely another loser. India must not be aware of the phonetic similarity between the name of the water they;re drinking from a bottle and the name of the notorious sexually transmitted immunodeficiency disease. Seriously, if someone offered you some Ades water, would you drink it?

 

7. Sparkling Water This stuff is just nasty. I know there’s no flavor, but there’s something not right about it. Plus, if you let a mouse swim in it, it will die. Then again, alot of stuff I consume fucks mice up.

 

 

8. Dr. Pepper In the interest of full disclosure, I’ll have to admit that this tasty concoction of 232 different flavors, or whatever rediculous amount it is, is my favorite soda. But I had to take pause when I visited one of their promotional websites and this little anthropomorphized can of Dr. Pepper with crazy eyes and cowboy boots showed me what he might do to me if I couldn’t handle the taste. A motorcycle through the face, a jackhammer to the tongue, a gaping chest wound, and a melted face do not make me want to go out and buy a 12 pack of Dr. Pepper. If you’re a masochist, you just might get turned on. Check it out here.

9. I’m sure Lenin would be proud of this beverage. There’s nothing better to promote a socialist political philosophy than a carbonated flavored beverage. Ok, comrade?

 

 

 

 

 

10. Faygo At least one company got it right by marketing their sodas by color instead of flavor. I don’t know how the people at Faygo are able to offer a brand of soda that’s even cheaper than my local grocery store’s brand of generic soda’s (and I probably don’t want to know). And if you ever want to bathe in it, just go to an Insane Clown Posse concert. They love the stuff so much they rap about it. And you know that when a rapper raps about something, they love it (i.e. weed, ho’s, money, etc.)!