Why To Hate The Dentist

Dentists are like mechanics. A good honest mechanic or dentist who has your best interest in mind is hard to find. After they sit you down and tell you what’s wrong, how they’ll fix it, and most importantly, how much it’s going to cost, you can be left questioning whether what they said was really what you need, or some costly thing they added to your bill so that they can make their next month’s mortgage. Other than that, here are some other reasons I’ve found dentists worthy patrons of my hatred.

Your Dentist is Poisoning You! Did you know Fluoride is a poison? And that it’s considered toxic waste? It’s worse than lead! That’s a fact, and your dentist is all too happy to put this chemical in your mouth in the form of a strawberry, grape, cherry, or cotton candy flavored foam that makes it difficult not to want to swallow. But heed the warnings of the dental assistant that asks you so nicely not to swallow. Your body only has the ability to disgard half of the Fluoride you ingest and the rest is absorbed into your bones and teeth. The stuff we love to have in our water may have some lasting affects.

Your Dentist is a Sadist For years my childhood dentist would strap to my face this uncomfortable plastic facemask which made it nearly impossible for me to breathe, swallow, and forced my mouth open for long periods of time. It wasn’t until I went to a general practice dentist on my own dollar that I realized these were mostly optional and usually reserved for dental surgeries like root canals, etc. I asked why they didn’t use the mask and told them that one was placed on my face every time I had a cavity. They looked at me in shock. “If you really want to wear one we can put one on for you?” It was then I realized something was wrong with my childhood dentist and that when my brother expressed his belief that he was a sadist (just like Orin Scrivello), intent on abusing children legally and for profit, he was partially correct.

I Bet They Think They’re Hilarious Seriously, if my dentist came in wearing one of these masks I’d likely punch him in the face. But that’s a minor infraction when it comes to dental humor. Ever go in to your dentist and have them come in to your consult with a grim face and say “We need to do two extractions, a root canal, and five fillings… just kidding! You only need the five fillings!” Seriously, you got a license to practice dentistry, not the telling of bad jokes. And why do they always want to talk to you when they’re working on your teeth? “So what do you think about that whole Iraq thing?” Anymore, I just start rambling on nonsense. If they want me to speak my opinions incoherently, I just let them have it. I usually include plenty of cuss words. While they may not be able to understand a lot of what I’m saying, profanity is usually easily recognized even when your mouth is open and you don’t have full use of your lips.

X-Rays These things killed Thomas Edison, and all you give me when I sit in a chair with that thing pointed at my face is a silly vest? Umm, what about my brain? And my junk?

They give you a lead vest and zap you with electromagnetic radiation. Meanwhile they push a button from behind a reinforced wall. No doubt these walls are for the safety of the folks that push the button all day, but they get a wall and I get this threadbare vest?

Scary Tools The dentist has all kinds of gadgets at his disposal that at first appearance and second glance will make most people cringe. Even the most mundane item like the little suction device they use has a strangely ominous appearance.

Most people will go their whole lives without seeing what dentists use to get the novocaine in your gums. Incidentally, if you’ve ever been numbed at dentist chances are they used lidocaine. But there’s a reason they’re so reluctant to show you. It looks more like a pogo stick than an injection device.

 Now I know why they numb me before they use it. And why the dentist so forcefully wiggles my cheek when they sticks the needle in. Why does it have to look so intimidating. Has modern hydrocarbon technology used in the hospital industry not brought dentistry along for the ride into the 21st century?

 

They also give their tools scary names like the cryer tool.

No, not that tool. That tool is John Cryer.

This is a cryer tool. As opposed to looking like Jerry Lewis, the tool dentists use looks more like a hooked scalpel. Other scary tools include the bone ronguer, backhouse clip, bulldog clamp, various mouth gags, and the matrix squivalent. For a complete list with images of some scary dental tools go here.

Braces I never had braces. Maybe that’s why I’m so scared when I see people wearing them. Especially adults. There’s something pubescent and macabre about people in braces. Especially when they go for the colored inserts. The fact that a person’s braces are neon green does not make them any cooler or less offensive. I’m still waiting for the day when some brilliant dentist incorporates grills into the braces market. Now that I think about it, I’m gonna go post that on halfbakery!

Hopefully, with the advent of invisalign, more people will opt to get their teeth straightened in a way that doesn’t offend other people’s vision.

 

 

 

 

Cut ’em Some Slack I guess it may be best to ease up on dentists since their rates of suicide are 6.4% greater than the rest of the working age population. Now that I think about it, you’d have to pay me vast sums of money before I would go probing around most people’s mouths.

When all is said and done, I’m more than happy to sit in the dentists chair to go through some painful procedure while all I have to look at is the waterstained ceiling tile of my dentists office. I’ll even pay lots of money for something I’m not really certain I need or want. As long as I don’t look like these guys.