Permacarn’s Weblog

A Permanent Blog Carnival

Top Ten Best (And Worst) Soda Ideas

Whether you call it soda, pop, or coke, this refreshing liquid candy is a staple in the American diet. This list is in honor of some of the best and worst ideas regarding the infamous bottled beverage.

Relieves Exhaustion1. Coca-Cola  This gets the number one spot since John Pemberton, the inventor, was arguably the first to include stimulants of “medicinal” quality. They still use a coca leaf extract to this day (I wonder, does it really change the flavor that much that they still find the need to include it), but its nothing compared to the nine milligrams a bottle they used to use! When you consider that at the time Coca-Cola still had cocaine infused in it back in the day, they were usually drinking about three glasses at a time. Thats the same amount the average coke-head snorts a day by today’s standards! No wonder people lined up to drink the stuff.  It relieves exhaustion… and numbs your face!

 

 bottled water

 

 2. Bottled Water OK, so it’s not a soda. But the fact that they’re bottled by soda manufacturers is enough for me to include it. Started in the 70’s by Perrier, this product falls under the category of worst since you can get the same stuff for free from wherever you’re buying the bottled stuff. It’s a waste of plastic, the plastic bottles leach dangerous chemicals into what you drink, and the production and consumption requires the use of 17 million barrels of oil a year (as of 2006)! 

 

 

 crystal pepsi

3. Crystal Pepsi “You’ve never seen a taste like this” was the slogan that went along with this drink. With a slogan like that the guys in Pepsi’s marketing department must have had some experience with psychedelics. Either that or they were trying to market to people who were. Some other possible hallucinogen inspired slogans for their products “I can feel the blue, man” or “Can you hear the strawberry?” And I have to mention the SNL parody, Crystal Gravy. “Finally, you can see your meat!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Coke

 

4. New Coke Whether it was a completely miserable analysis of market research or a conspiracy to cover up the switch from cane sugar to high fructose corn syrup, Coca-Cola’s campaign to change the taste of Coke pissed off all kinds of people. But the mistake (if thats what you want to call it) effectively brought Coca-Cola back to the lead spot in the cola wars.

 

 

 

 

energy drinks

 

5. Energy Drinks Fuck, yeah! The people behind energy drinks took John Pemberton’s idea of adding stimulants to fizzy drinks to a whole new level. Now you can drink some adderall from a can and twitch incessantly so you can finish that term paper or get the world’s record for most consecutive hours playing World of Warcraft. Celebrities seem to love creating these things and bars across America are making some sweet alcoholic beverages combining an upper and a downer. You no longer have to steal your kid’s ritalin and drink vodka to enjoy the heart wrenching/stopping effects of stimulants and depressants. My personal favorite is Bawls, especially since it comes in a blue can (get it… blue Bawls, huhuh). Put some Bawls in your mouth!

AdeS

6. AdeS Definitely another loser. India must not be aware of the phonetic similarity between the name of the water they;re drinking from a bottle and the name of the notorious sexually transmitted immunodeficiency disease. Seriously, if someone offered you some Ades water, would you drink it?

 

sparkling water

7. Sparkling Water This stuff is just nasty. I know there’s no flavor, but there’s something not right about it. Plus, if you let a mouse swim in it, it will die. Then again, alot of stuff I consume fucks mice up.

 

 

Dr Pepper

8. Dr. Pepper In the interest of full disclosure, I’ll have to admit that this tasty concoction of 232 different flavors, or whatever rediculous amount it is, is my favorite soda. But I had to take pause when I visited one of their promotional websites and this little anthropomorphized can of Dr. Pepper with crazy eyes and cowboy boots showed me what he might do to me if I couldn’t handle the taste. A motorcycle through the face, a jackhammer to the tongue, a gaping chest wound, and a melted face do not make me want to go out and buy a 12 pack of Dr. Pepper. If you’re a masochist, you just might get turned on. Check it out here.

Leninade

9. I’m sure Lenin would be proud of this beverage. There’s nothing better to promote a socialist political philosophy than a carbonated flavored beverage. Ok, comrade?

 

 

 

 

 

Faygo

10. Faygo At least one company got it right by marketing their sodas by color instead of flavor. I don’t know how the people at Faygo are able to offer a brand of soda that’s even cheaper than my local grocery store’s brand of generic soda’s (and I probably don’t want to know). And if you ever want to bathe in it, just go to an Insane Clown Posse concert. They love the stuff so much they rap about it. And you know that when a rapper raps about something, they love it (i.e. weed, ho’s, money, etc.)!

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April 23, 2008 - Posted by | Uncategorized |

2 Comments »

  1. love it.

    Gotta get me some ades water.

    Comment by Paul | April 24, 2008 | Reply

  2. mmm Faygo is so good

    Comment by Magick | September 30, 2008 | Reply


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